The Radical Notion of Putting Yourself First




Throughout most of our lives (especially if we tend to be on the feminine spectrum) we are taught to care for others, and we are expected to care for others.

Sometimes this results from a need, perhaps a death in the family, absent parents, or abusive family that pushes us to the be the main caretaker for our younger siblings, and sometimes for our adult family members.

Other times we are taught that it is nice, and polite to put others first and that we should put them first. We are taught to share no matter what, to hug or kiss family members we don't know, and to not say no when people ask us to help.

Women, especially, are taught that it is mean, selfish, or cold to put ourselves before others. That no one will be with us if we don't put ourselves first, and many are raised with the notion that time for yourself is something that only comes rarely. 

As I'm progressing through my divorce, I am learning to break away from and rebuild my codependent habits.  One of these is constantly putting other peoples wants and needs before my own, at very steep costs sometimes.  And I'm beginning to notice patterns in my own life, and my own behaviors that reflect this strange desire to put everyone before myself until I'm just a drained husk of a human being who needs to decompress by staying in my home for days at a time.

Why do we deserve to be first?

There is only one you, and your happiness, your self-care, is your responsibility. Yes, environmental factors, are other people in our lives can absolutely contribute to our happiness, and can help us to self-care, but ultimately we have to do it because no one else can do it for us.

I've had so many moments in my life, where I'm exhausted. And I feel like my partners are getting all the support they need, and I'm not getting anything. Part of that is because I wasn't putting myself first.

If you've never or very rarely, put yourself first in your life, you may be wondering how do you even start?

Set boundaries (and stand by them!)

Set boundaries on what you will do for people, and what you will let people take from you.  The specific boundaries you have will change over time and will change with different people, but some good starter points are:

Stop throwing your routine out the window for someone else.
     Unless it is an emergency, there is no reason for this. It's a bad habit to get into, and it will wreak havoc on your life. If you need to be in bed by nine o' clock, but your partner/friends/etc are wanting you to stay up, go out, hang out, and you don't want to, because you know you won't go to bed on time, and then you will be exhausted the next day, don't do it. Tell them firmly that you can't.  You do not owe them an explanation, you do not have to apologize, and you do not have to put yourself on a guilt trip. 

When you say "I'm not going to let people do 'X' to me anymore" stand by it
     How many times have you caught yourself saying things like "if he touches me again, I'm leaving?" or "if he just booty calls me and ignores me in front of his friends I'm done", or even more tough statements such as "if he beats me again, I'm leaving"? 

And how many times do we continue to stand by as it happens? For me, it was countless, countless, countless times. And do not get me wrong, I am not trying to undermine how difficult it can be to disentangle our lives from toxic or abusive situations. It is hard, it takes time, and that's a-ok.

But it is important that we start standing by our boundaries. We owe it to ourselves. And we don't deserve bullshit from people just because they are family, or because we love them. 

If you are in a safe situation, you can start by firmly communicating your boundaries.  Then, you start to stick by them.  One way to do this is by leaving the situation if it crosses your boundaries. This can mean taking a walk, this can mean going home, or it can mean hanging up the phone.  Whatever gets you away from the situation and a chance to breathe, do it. It also communicates to the other person that you will stand by your limits, and they aren't going to get you to cross them. 

If they refuse to respect your boundaries, please find a way to get that person out of your life, 'cause you do not need that bullshit. 

 Let go of the idea that you can control others
     It's harder then it sounds, but trust me, it is very worthwhile for the benefits that you can reap from this trait. 

When we believe that we can control people, we obsess over them, we spend so much of our physical, mental and emotional time on these people to either get them to do what we want or to get them to do things that we think they should do. 

And that is a quick way to drain yourself of energy that you need for yourself, your own life, and your own problems.

When we stop trying to control the people around us and detach ourselves from their actions, we gain this lovely little peace buffer around us.  Maybe their life sucks, and they have some sort of 24/7 drama that they love to unload on us all the time, but when we aren't worried about controlling it (or trying to fix it) we can see it from a safe distance, without letting it affect our own lives. 

Ask yourself what you need, EVERY DAY

And no matter what it is, do it for yourself. 

If you need a nap, sleep; if you need to eat, eat! If you need to go see family and friends, go see them! If you just need to veg out on the computer or Netflix for an hour or two, do it. 

Not only will you get the positive benefits of relaxation, you will start to listen to your own wants and needs, and by responding to them you are respecting them again.

So let go, love yourself, and listen. You have tons to say. 


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