A-WA-RE

Separation, divorce, letting go, the end, over, finished, done.

Things that most people don't want to apply to their significant other.

But here I am.

After two years, and some change, of marriage, my partner and I have decided to separate and start the paperwork for a divorce.

Divorce is never something that just affects you, but it also affects families and friends. Families feel sadness, anger, and guilt and friends sometimes feel they must pick sides, and say goodbye to one or the other to maintain friendships.

Failure at a marriage, guilt at wasting my parent's money for our wedding, anger at the bankruptcy we had to file when we were together, anger at being in a state I didn't plan on living in.

Fear at starting on my own, trying to finally become financially independent, something I still have yet to accomplish at the age of 28.

Sadness at watching my dog get used to only me being around any more.

Learning to live alone again, and trying to find other support systems through friends and family.

And just the crushing, overwhelmingness of the unknown.

Some days I feel great, and excited, and confident that I can handle whatever life throws my way. Other days, are just hard. Hard to get things done, hard to go outside, hard to focus. But I'm getting through it.

But life is a loss. That's the deal that comes with it. At some point, things aren't there anymore.

Part of me feels sadness, but another part of me also knows that it is sadness for what used to be, or what might have been, not a sadness for what it was.

Divorce is rarely one-sided. There are things I couldn't provide for my partner, as well as things he wouldn't provide for me. Maybe if we were different people, in a different era, or in different area things might have been different. But ultimately this is the best decision for both of us, and I know that with all chips on the table, we are both much happier for it.

So why aware?

Aware is a Japanese word for the bittersweetness of a brief and fading moment of transcendent beauty.

From my viewpoint, that's life. Life is made up of little moments, and the fact that they don't last forever is what causes them to be beautiful and meaningful for us.

And though my marriage was brief, and far from perfect, it had little moments of beauty that I will appreciate for now, and let go of.

Now it is time to focus on me, taking care of myself, and getting my own shit together.

So if you are going through a rough time right now, just remember, everything is brief, even the bad moments, and we all eventually will move on to something better.

So cheers to change, and may we all keep our heads held high.