4 Things I Have Learned Through My Mental Health Journey
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| Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash |
October is full of mental health awareness days, from depression screening day, and world mental day. I wanted to share my story and what I have learned throughout my mental health journey.
This post is about my personal experience with my own doctors and my own medication. Please do not start or stop any medication without your doctor's knowledge and approval. This post is for informational purposes only and should not be taken as treatment or diagnoses.
1) Medication is totally fine
For the longest time, I struggled with my chronic anxiety, depressive episodes, and bipolar states on my own. I didn't want to get tested, and I sure as shit didn't want to be on medication because I was afraid that that would mean that I was a failure. I tried thousands of ways to just "get over it" and function like everyone else. Some of these ways did help to an extent such as meditating, journaling and yoga. While others were harmful in general, such as self-medicating with drugs/alcohol, and self-harm.
I was scared that taking medication would mean any happiness I felt was fake. Or that I would be lethargic all the time. How would I be able to know if I was really happy if a medication was clouding my field of judgment?
After having a break down at my then boyfriends house (my now husband) he talked to me about talking to my doctor about starting medication. He had taken anti-depression medication a few years prior for a strong depressive episode and he explained how it had really helped him.
He explained how sometimes you can't tell if your brain is functioning levelly when it has never known what level is. This made sense to me, so I went to my doctor and I got started on Effexor extended release.
It was like night and day.
I had never known that I could go for hours without thinking about sometime. Worrying about something. It was as if I had been holding all these muscles tense for years, and they had finally started to relax.
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| Bottom line: it's ok to purchase your brain chemicals if you need to. |
2) You will have to say goodbye to some things
Getting started on medication was probably the best decision I had ever made for myself. I will more than likely have to continue taking medication in some shape or form the rest of my life to keep my moods and mind operating on a level field.With that though, I did have to say goodbye to some things that I absolutely loved about my non-medicated bipolar self.
I did have to say goodbye to those days and weeks where I just felt fucking fantastic. Where everything is so beautiful it would make my heart soar and I would have all the ideas in the world to do such fun things on such a beautiful day.
I had to say goodbye to my original context of love. No more insane passion fueled relationships. No more feelings that this person was absolutely my soul mate and if I lost them then my life would be empty.
I'm not going to lie, I still miss feeling that way. But, I have also been able to say goodbye to the downsides of having those super high feelings. I have been able to say goodbye (for the most part) to panic attacks. To crashing after a super "UP" day into depths of anger and sadness caused by nothing. I have been able to say goodbye to lying on my bedroom floor in the dark crying my eyes out. And the moments that I do enjoy things, or are deeply touched, I don't have the lingering worry in the back of my head wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.
3) You will have to change up medications
Medications may or may not work when you start taking them. With most mood stabilizers/anti-anxiety/anti-depressive medications, it takes about 6 weeks to really be able to tell if they work or not. I was extremely lucky that Effexor worked well for me. But, over time, my needs medically began to change.
After I had been on the second highest dose of Effexor I began to notice my mood swings were becoming more noticeable. I was getting that tensed up feeling all the time. Minor changes in plans started to upset me much more than they had been.
So my doctor decided to change me to Pristiq. Pristiq worked (and still is) for me. But I still was having issues with mood swings. Being able to concentrate, and at that point, I decided to find a psychiatrist in my area. She started me on my mood stabilizer Tributal.
I take Tributal twice a day, and Pristiq once a day. So far this combination is working very well. But I know that I may have to change it in the future whether because I just get used to it, or if I want to have a child. And even though finding the right medication (or a mixture of meds) can be a long, difficult road, it can be very much worth the pay off when you finally find that Goldilocks balance.
4) Talking is the BEST thing you can do for yourself
The way some mental illnesses operate is by isolating you from others. Whether your depression makes it hard to shoot a text to friends, or your anxiety prevents you from telling your spouse about your feelings, or if a maniac state has you believing that everything is peachy keen, they tend to operate and fester in isolation.My life and my internalized guilt at being seen as difficult have been greatly eased by just biting the bullet and telling people what the fuck is up with me. If I'm having a high anxiety day I tell my spouse. If I am too depressed to focus at work I reach out to my friends.
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| The number one thing you can do for yourself. Photo by Anna Vander Stel on Unsplash |
I used to worry that people wouldn't believe me if I told them what was going on. I didn't want to "burden" others with my unexplained, irrational feelings. I didn't want them not wanting to hang out with me because I was operating far out in left field.
But so far, everyone has been super understanding, and the more open I have become the more open they have been back, and I realized the most important thing.
That I am not alone.
If you are grappling with a mental illness and need help please check out these resources.
If you are having violent or suicidal tendencies please call: 1-800-273-8255
What have you learned during your mental health journey? Let me know in the comments, or message me if you want more privacy.
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