Gaining Weight After Obsessing Over It For Years

Photo by Joseph Barrientos on Unsplash

I had an appointment with my psychologist this week. I have anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder, and I have recently added a mood stabilizer to my medication repertoire. Because she is able to prescribe medication my weight has to be taken at each visit. The first time I visited and was weighed, the assistant never read it out, and I didn't have to see the number. But this time, it was different. She read my weight out casually, and as I looked down to get off the scale I saw the numbers, black lit up by an electric blue background. Immediately I felt so unhappy with my self. So disappointed. What a failure. Just another lazy soul who wants to lose weight but is incapable of the discipline to accomplish it. I immediately felt my jeans become tighter, my wedding ring no longer loose on my fingers. My psychologist even mentioned how I had gained some weight since my last visit, and how we would have to keep an eye on it. She didn't state why, she didn't state if it was a potential side effect from my medication, or what. She didn't state why it was so important to keep an eye on my weight. And you know what I did?

Nothing.

I didn't say a single thing. I didn't ask why, I didn't request that we do not discuss my weight, or that I not be told what I weigh by the assistant. I didn't bring up my history of disordered eating behavior, or how I'm trying to live a life where weight is no longer a focal point either for happiness or sadness. Instead, I just internalized it all. Maybe I didn't want to bring up my history, I know for sure that I didn't want to come off as a "difficult" patient, and I didn't want to cause inconvenience for someone else. All I could think was how it was my fault if I simply hadn't gained weight this wouldn't have happened. They wouldn't have said anything, and they certainly wouldn't have discussed keeping an eye on my weight, though I have dropped large amounts of weight and doctors haven't batted an eye. I don't know how much I gained, and I'm not going to ask. I was able to do that much, prevent myself from acquiring any information to hurt myself with.

But sitting in the waiting room was hard after that. I was panicking. I wanted to cry, to work out, to not eat for the rest of the day, to work off the shame I felt about my weight gain.  And then I thought about the past weekend. I had had a blast. I had gone out with friends to have sushi, and for margaritas (after the sushi, not with). We all had dressed up, and I felt cute, I had fun, and I felt good. I felt like I had a good group of friends, I felt on good ground with my husband, I was really enjoying my workouts because I felt strong getting my squat on. I thought about how, even if my jeans are a little snug, I can always buy a new pair at a bigger size if I want to be more comfortable. Because clothes are about self-expression, comfort, and fun, not shaming myself into keeping my body a certain size. Clothes are to decorate my body, not punish. I realized that I was thinking of how horrible everything was, all because I was told my weight, and that I had gained weight.  And I had to remind myself of how stupid that was. I am no longer my weight, and my happiness and well being are so much more than what any number on the scale could show. Because the last time that everything I was, was wrapped up in the scale, I was miserable. That is not how I want to live life again, and my tombstone will certainly not read "she stayed at her high school weight!" I want to actually live life, and go out, and base my happiness on things that actually matter and improve my life.  Something weight has never done for me.

At my next appointment, I will politely ask that my weight not be read to me. I don't anticipate any push back, but if I do, I will just explain about my history, and how I am a health at every size follower now. Because, like everything else, disordered behavior cannot thrive out in the open. It must stay in hiding to be able to whisper in my ear. But I won't let it hide.

Gaining weight is the human bodies natural process.  Berating ourselves for being a part of nature is a waste of energy. Focus on celebrating your bodies abilities, uniqueness, and the fact that it is your home for now.