Accepting Your Changing Self

I've struggled a lot with getting older.  I'm not implying that my age is too old, but rather I have struggled with the changes, mental and physical that come from getting older.

The first big change came when I decided to start taking medication for my anxiety, something I had never done before. I had always handled it before with counseling, books, and self-treatment. But I finally decided that I had reached a point in my life where medicine made sense. I had graduated from college and I was trying to move into the professional business world, and I realized that crying in the bathroom five times a day during a really low mental day for me would not do me any favors in the corporate world. With that decision came a lot of decisions that I never expected to have to make.

With my medication I cannot drink like I did in college. I used to be able to get good and drunk at parties over the weekend, I knew when to start drinking water so that I didn't get sick, and had a good time.  With my medicine I couldn't drink heavily anymore without getting sick.  So I have cut down drinking quite drastically in my life. I don't really keep alcohol in the house, and I may have a drink or two whenever I go out. I have adapted to that now, but when I first realized that I was really at a loss. I realized that I had forgotten how to have fun without drinking. It took me a long time to get comfortable just talking to people at bars or parties without also being tipsy.  While I certainly was not an alcoholic, I was surprised to find out how much I relied on alcohol to have a good time.

Not alcoholism, just college. 

It also caused weight gain on my end as well which is very common with anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. I freaked out. I tried everything to desperately lose the weight that kept coming on.  I worked out, I tried to change my eating habits, but nothing seemed to help. I felt like a failure, which caused me to eat more, which lead me to feel worse, etc. I have never handled change well, but even with medication it seemed that my changing body could still terrify me. It didn't help that at this point in time I also noticed how men had stopped hitting on me in public. No wolf whistles, no one hitting on me at work. It freaked me out even more, was I hideous? Did I look old? Was I too fat? Did I need to do my hair a different way? My makeup? This just led even more down the spiral of dieting, and working out, and hating myself even more.

And then I realized how much I relied on outside things, people and events to define who I was, and how worthwhile I was, even to myself! I realized that I based my worth so much on my physical body, and mens responses to it. I thought of myself only through my sex appeal, and when my body changed in a way that did not fit with my concept of sex appeal I became lost and angry, because that was all I knew myself as. I lost interest in going out, had no hobbies to speak of, and basically lost a lot of good people out of my life because I did not know how to reach out for help from my strange, angry depression.

Unfortunately, there is no magic pill to this story. Over time, with a supportive family base, and the few friends I still had, I eventually got un-stuck. Everything else being equal, I was at least no longer stuck in a pit of despair feeling like I had no way out. I slowly started going back out again, and I started to define myself based on my own values, not on how physically attractive other people saw me as. I have started a deep dialogue with myself that I haven't had in years, and I'm starting to make decisions based on what I feel, need, and want.  Not on what other people may or may not want, and not based on how it may affect my "image" to others. Now I have friends who have similar values, I go out and see people, I can socialize without having a panic attack, and I feel like I am making good healthy decisions for myself, by myself.


While change is inevitable, terrifying, and frustrating we must learn to accept that it will happen to us. To be there to experience the ride, and to know that we will love and accept ourselves no matter where these changes may take us.  If we just focus on the empty dream of being young forever we will miss all the beauty that comes only with living our life as it comes. For ultimately we cannot grow without change.

And I hear that change can lead to beautiful things. 

How have you handled your life changing? Please share your story below in the comments.

Top and bottom photo from unsplash.com, middle photo from pixabay.com